


the rain can never be predicted, it comes when it comes and does what it does

by SquishySterek (Herm_own_ninny)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes, blame, failed romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-03-21 04:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13733568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herm_own_ninny/pseuds/SquishySterek
Summary: It finally rained the night he sat down and read that letter. It rained for hours on end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Benaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benaya/gifts).



> I am going to say this now and make it very clear-  
>  ** _THIS PIECE IS ABOUT SUICIDE_**  
>  Use discretion where it's needed. Don't read this if it will cause harm to you.  
> Be wary and take care of yourself. Don't do something that will cause you relapse or pain. Please.

_Hey, Dad._

_It hasn't rained in years. But as I'm sitting down to write to you, it's all starting to build up, I can see clouds on the horizon and the petrichor is strong. It hasn't rained in years, but I think it will tonight._  
_I haven't talked to you in too long. I haven't really ever talked about what matters, even. I never knew how to handle myself. But the storm's alight inside me and invigorating me with something new for you. A new energy crackling and spreading its way through me to connect to you._  
_I never got to tell you so many things. And years down the line is too late to have waited._  
_Derek and I have kids. We were together when you were alive, but I never found the moment to tell you. There was always some force to be reckoned with interfering with any attempt I made. Supernatural, unnatural, mortal, or emotional. So many things pulled us apart right before it happened, and I can't help but think that there still was nothing we could've done to change that. More people would've died, more threats would've lived and possibly overlapped, more kids would be living parentless or haunted by nightmares, even more adults that way. We did what we did because you and I were always better at saving the day than coming home to connect with each other._  
_I'm just sorry I never got to come out to you. To let you know who I truly was. I lived behind a mask while you were alive, and now that mask has a mask of its own. Layers I've built up. Months and seasons and years of hard work to flawlessly and seamlessly implement it. So flawless that it's driven everyone away from me. Even Derek. Even after he vowed he wouldn't let me go. It left Scott with me, trying to hide a smirk as he "couldn't help but say he told me so"._  
_It's left me an emptier shell than the house we used to share, the house mom had given life to. I'm an emptier shell than when you were alive. It was easier to fake it when you'd been here, when you'd been here for the screaming nightmares and the silent nightmares and the memorial nights and the gentle nights. Nobody understands me like you did, nobody stuck around like you did._

 _But then again, you had an obligation, didn't you?_  
_And that obligation to me killed you, as it has injured, scarred, broken and murdered others around me._  
_You died on your way to come see me. I'd had a rough day, I was broken and needed you. But you weren't as unbreakable as you'd let me believe. Your heart had only gotten worse, it's what the doctor said. The doctor also said if you hadn't been alone in your car, pulled off to the side of the road and left for a day, then you could've been saved._  
_It's my fault, dad, I know._  
_And it's my fault ~~my~~ Derek's kids will grow up with only a father, and with another no good father they'll never even get to know._  
_There's a storm coming tonight, you're at the center, but I don't think it's rain, dad. I think it's much worse than that._  
It's more final than that. More altering than an earthquake or volcano erupting; more than a tornado or hurricane ripping up the earth; more than a flood or tsunami coming to cleanse everything.  
_It's an impactful event, but one that will positively affect every other life in this star system._  
_It hasn't rained in years, dad, but it's misting tonight before it all goes away._

_I love you, and I need you to know that it's all me, because that's all it'll ever be. I love you so much.  
The sweetest of dreams to you, dad. And to the hopes I'll be able to see you from where I'm going._

_\- Mieczyslaw Stilinski_

 

Nobody called the police that night when the gunshot rang through the quiet of the night. Nobody was around to hear the deadly, final piercing noise before a body fell lifeless on the couch in the living room.  
And nobody would for quite some time, until the news boy started smelling a faint odor that disgusted him, until other members down the street began complaining at the overgrowth and distaste of the landscaping that was going to waste at the Stilinski residence.  
Yet no one was surprised to see the young man's decaying body sat lifeless on the couch, facing a shattered television. Gun fallen to the floor, and a decomposed dinner for two in front of him on the coffee table. The note was dropped to the side as his body was lifted onto a gurney, left to be forgotten until his husband came in to gather things and settle the estate.

It finally rained the night he sat down and read that letter. It rained for hours on end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thank you to the ever talented [Benaya-Trash](http://benaya-trash.tumblr.com) for allowing me to use a lovely piece of art in a completely different context to its original posting.  
> The art is [here](http://benaya-trash.tumblr.com/post/173128091692/i-looked-in-the-mirror-but-something-was-wrong-i), but I'd suggest waiting for where it is linked in the work to hopefully get the full effect! ;)

Derek fiddled with the sleeves of the shirt, so worn from years of use and then shoved to the back of a closet. He was surprised he still had it, if he was being honest with himself, but then again, he couldn't be, either.  
It was Stiles' favorite shirt of his. How could he not keep it?  
He'd only left his husband after his tendencies had grown to be a danger to their kids, had damaged even Derek, to the point he didn't recognize the man he'd fallen in love with.  
The backlash he'd received immediately following the news of Stiles' death had been immense. Several pack members blaming him, for using Stiles and pretending to love him. For leaving when it god hard.  
**"What ever happened to 'in good times and in bad', Derek? I can't believe I called you my alpha at one time."**  
Derek had taken the time to read through the texts and yell, scream, throw his pillows around and collapse on the bed. He hadn't felt more alone than the moment he woke from a dream of Stiles. Of their happy times with the pups and pack, when they'd go on dates and take out threats together. He'd never admit to anyone that he felt as if he'd had Stiles next to him that morning as he sat up and stared at the floor, tried to get himself ready for the days ahead.  
Sitting in the church and listening to the planned proceeding for his funeral, [Derek felt as if Stiles were there comforting him, holding him from behind like he always used to.](http://benaya-trash.tumblr.com/post/173128091692/i-looked-in-the-mirror-but-something-was-wrong-i)  
He'd had to step out at that moment for a chance to compose himself. If he'd eaten anything that day, he would've lost it on the front steps.

 

 

  
 

* * *

 

 

"I want to preface this by saying I may seem to be coming at this as if I'm writing a paper, every person I asked to give me their thoughts said so. But this is how I process, and I know... I know Stiles loved that about me. I processed from an academic stance. So I only find it fitting that I offer these things about him to you as he would have enjoyed me to. And I ask you, as well, to take a moment to listen to these words and this recollection for Stiles. This speech is not for or about me. Set aside any evil you have against me and mourn the loss of this man before us," Derek tried to keep his anger at bay, but he knew his eyes flashed an icy blue before he could drop them to the podium he was behind.  
"With that said, my first quote is the quote- the quote he used to ask me out."  
This would be the hard one. Derek had had it tattooed across his back after they'd gotten married.  
"W.S. Gilbert - 'It's love that makes the world go round'."  
It was theirs, no matter the countless times Stiles would reference the Queen song and start singing in that cat wail of his about fat bottomed girls making the world go round. It was one of the better memories.  
"If that's true, Stiles made it spin faster. Which is why seeing his lifeless body had thrown my own world off of its axis. Instead of rotating it's now hurdling around in a dark space with nothing to balance it or latch on to. That was how I felt when I got the call. I was all he had left of his family, and I'd left him..." Derek could feel the rage building up within him and took a pause to steady himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. A eulogy was not the time or place to take a stand. It was a remembrance.  
"There isn't much of him I remember so clearly, after I left him so long ago. But the one thing I will always remember as clear as day, is how much he thought. His mind never stopped. He told me he had ADD, but I only ever considered it his head was too full of brilliant thoughts to slow down and process only one thing at a time.  
"And as I was preparing this speech, I remembered a quote he showed me years ago. It kind of slapped me in the face, punched me right in the gut; it winded me in every way imaginable. He held the quote so close to himself he'd gotten it tattooed on his ribcage. And I think it's part of what... Part of why he killed himself, for lack of a more formal term."  
This was one of the longer pauses as Derek tried to maintain his composure, swallowing thickly before he read it aloud in a hushed voice.  
" 'There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.'  
"Stiles could never slow his thoughts down, especially the dark ones. We've all dealt with them, but to be constantly bombarded with the memories he had to have been, after everything he's done for this town and all of us, it's no surprise they were able to win over so quickly.  
"And to add that, it was a quote from our favorite Shakespeare play, that almost adds a level of irony to the situation. His father was poisoned to his own early death, yet still not by a power hungry uncle. There were armies marching on his mind, as those the Norwegian army in the play. Those armies took over with no violence of their own, but violence inflicted upon Hamlet by himself."  
Derek couldn't help his sardonic chuckle at the thought that it was also a madness that could have been helped, had the proper people been allowed to step in.  
"Aside from the literary allusions that I know truly only mean this much to me, you need to know who Stiles was, and to remember him. For his good and his bad. He wouldn't want us remembering a romanticized, blurry version of who he was. He was annoying, yes, but those overactive tendencies never failed to save our asses in the end. He was headstrong and never thought things through when it came to sacrificing himself, no matter how many times he would patronize the people around him. He was a selfless bastard, who took on too much of the world and wouldn't reach out to anyone for help. But he was sacrificial in many ways, sacrificing his chances to attend college and lead a normal life to protect us all. It seemed to run in his family.  
"I can only encourage you to take what you wish from this, to hopefully better understand the whirlwind of a man that was my... That was my husband and the father of my children. I leave you all with a parting phrase that is dear to me, and hope you will discover one that means as much to you with Stiles."  
He'd paused, he was gathering his papers, but the thought still struck him a bit numb.  
"No. With Mieczyslaw Stilinski. He will be remembered by his true name. Mieczyslaw Stilinski."  
Derek approched the casket and flicked out his claws, whispering the short phrase as he carved it into the wood that would be above Stiles' face.

 _" 'Doubt thou the stars are fire;_  
_Doubt that the sun doth move;_  
_Doubt truth to be a liar;_  
_But never doubt I love.' "_

 

 

  
 

* * *

 

 

The reception was all fake sympathy or cold shoulders, some faking their "thoughts of encouragement in these trying times" or outright turning their back to him as he moved around the room. So he stepped into his office, trying not to go off on his uncle as he was followed.  
"What do you want?"  
"Nephew, you're more broody than normal. You smell even more sour than before. Was-"  
Derek cut Peter off, his rage finally bubbling up and spilling over.  
"None of that was real! I wanted to yell and scream! I'm being blamed for this bullshit, but I'm not the only person in his life! Every single person in that fucking room was responsible, Peter! We all knew him! Just because I had to leave him doesn't mean they had to let him waste away! They found his body almost a month later - a fucking month! Nobody was there to check on him or see where he was, none of them gave a shit about him for a month! The fucking paper delivery kid had to report it! The neighbors complained about his yard! None of them gave a rat's ass about him, and now they're blaming me!  
"All I ever fucking did was love him, and then protect our kid. I tried to get him to therapy, counseling, support groups, but he wouldn't go. He wouldn't allow himself a chance to heal. Why couldn't I talk about that out there? Why couldn't I mention that? Because we don't speak ill of the dead! But he'd be the first person to point it out, step forward and acknowledge it! They're going to remember muddied, blurry, romanticized versions of him, they won't ever remember who he really was! He was a selfish asshole who cared too much about others to take care of himself to save our relationship! I loved him to the day I got that call, and I still fucking do! I just want him to be here, right now, so I can tell him I still love him. I hate him, but I love him. He's so fucking stupid for the genius he is. I hate myself for letting him go, but I couldn't let our children be affected by it any more."  
Derek's breathing was labored, his chest rising and falling visibly as he flexed his hands and tried to retract his claws. He could see the glow of his eyes reflected in a picture frame across the room, the icy blue a reminder of everyone Derek had lost. "I hate everyone in this building, for blaming me for the things they did wrong. I've had it. I'm not their alpha, they don't consider me pack. Fuck them and this facade. Fuck it all."  
He threw open the door to his office and walked into the main room of his house, grabbing the microphone that was at the front and flicking it on.  
"Listen up. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of all of you in my house. It wasn't my fault he died. It was everyone's. He told me to stay away, and I did. But he was alone for a ridiculous amount of time before he killed himself, and that is not on me. I sent him pictures of our kids and updated him on them. It wasn't on me to see him every day, to be a friend and not abandon him. Not to use him and abuse him like all of you did. I'm tired of the bullshit. You don't get to blame me for his death and throw bitch faces at me while eating my food in my house. So get out, everyone, who wants to blame their own shortcomings on me. Because I'm tired of it. We're all adults. Fucking act like it."  
He didn't address the shocked silence in the room with even a glance, simply turned the microphone back off and went upstairs, the tears running freely down his face.

He could feel Stiles with him when he curled up on his bed that night, holding Emma and Sammy close, the three of them too exhausted to cry for Stiles any more than they already had that day.

 

 

  
 

* * *

 

 

The rain did come, but the floods were unpredictable to their weatherman. He spoke of a storm, but the tumultuous aftermath was out of the realm of possibility for him. The lands were oversaturated for a time being, and when it seemed they would be drying up, another storm front would rear its head and lay waste to everything in its path.  
The rain comes when it comes and does what it does, and those who bore witness to it were powerless to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, please please please make sure you give the [artist](http://benaya-trash.tumblr.com/post/173128091692/i-looked-in-the-mirror-but-something-was-wrong-i) more love than you give me! She deserves the good shit in life!  
> And if you're inclined, take a gander at my [Tumblr](http://SquishySterek.tumblr.com) & consider supporting me!  
> All the love to you, babes ♥
> 
>  
> 
> A short and sweet message as an after thought-  
> Any comments *wrongfully* attacking me for this piece(death threats and negativity) will be deleted. Any hate sent on Tumblr will be deleted, as well. I have made it very clear what this piece is about and what it explores. Please don't attack me because you don't agree with this or think I'm a bad person for posting it. Thank.

**Author's Note:**

> So I got enough asks, both personal, on Tumblr, and one in my comments here that I'll do a part 2. I make no guarantees it will be good. Please don't murder me.  
>  _Part 2, 'they say the storm's the worst part because they never stick around to see the aftermath'_  
>  ~~I prefer a statement for the title, fight me~~


End file.
